Black and White

"Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also make music." -Unknown

Over the past five months I have accepted that life is not black and white. I have learned that there can be so much beauty in the gray areas. To be honest, I don't like "maybes", "if thens", or "either ors." I get so frustrated when faced with "sometimes this" and "sometimes that." Lately I have shed many tears over the "I don't knows." To many (myself included) black and white means that there is just one rule. There is a schedule with an exact time, and it's always the same. The rules apply to everyone and there are no exceptions. Black and white means things are predictable. Black and white means things seem fair and are clear. 

Nothing has felt fair or clear to me lately. My breast cancer diagnosis, the trials in my life and a fight for love that will end with a win that will reveal itself in a completely different way than I anticipated. But one thing has remained true, God's love. I can't even explain it properly, the outpouring of unconditional love that I am feeling for the first time in my life. From family, friends, complete strangers and from people I never imagined would care about me, or take time to join my fight.

Gray areas mean that the rule is sometimes one thing, and sometimes another thing. I am alright with that now. Again, I can't explain it...but it's true to me now. I know that this is happening to me for a reason. I am learning lessons that will make me a complete bad ass...whoops, sorry mom! But I want you all to know, anyone that is reading this—whatever it is that you are facing, embrace it. Look for the good in each day and you will find it, I promise. Go gray.

A Letter to My First Born Son

March 28, 1995

May 2013

Brandon Kyle, 

I am so very proud of you. I can't believe that we will be watching you graduate high school in just a few short hours. It seems like only yesterday I was the one graduating. Little did I know, a few weeks later I would be starting a family. Although not the perfect timing, you were perfect. I remember your sweet little personality and how your eyes would light up when you smiled. Your imagination ran wild and you could entertain yourself in just about any situation. From cowboy, to professor, to musician and artist, your creativity has never ran dry.

Becoming a mom at 19 years old left me at quite the disadvantage, still being a kid myself. I am sure I could have done many things differently, and I know I made my share of mistakes. But, we made it through. Even during my time as a single mother, you kept me going. Leanna was just a baby and you were my bud. Your energy and ability to adapt amazed me. I could always count on you for hugs, and you made me smile in my loneliest moments. 

Although our personalities and interests may differ as you grow and change, I hope you know how special I think you are. You have always been kind and considerate of others, and that is a quality far more valuable than anything you could have learned in school. I know you will go on to do wonderful things. I encourage you to see the world, do what you love, and let God direct your path. If times get rough, He will always be there to help you get back on track. I am living proof of that.

I am so excited to see what God has in store for you. And....just so you know, there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. I will always be here for you. Always. 

All my love, 
Mom

Day 7, The Candy Striper

The Dress, Top: Color Thread, Beads: Stella & Dot, Shoes: Steve Madden

As you can see, it's just me and my tripod again. I felt this outfit fit my job this week as candy striper! When naming my post I accidentally typed stripper. Glad I caught it, that would NOT have been good. The stomach bug has traveled through our home making random and odd timed appearances. Just when we thought we were all clear, we woke up to a vomiting 5 year old last night. Good times.

Truth: I only got dressed today to take my picture.

A movie, popcorn popped on the stove in coconut oil, puzzles, and a nap. That's just about it for my day. Sad to have missed church, and praying this bug gets out of my house! Hope your Sunday was germ free! :)

St. Augustine Part Deux

Top: Akiko, Shorts: Loft, Bag: Big Buddah at m. marie boutique, Flops: J. Crew, Sunnies: Tom Ford

With my son at Burrito Works Taco Shop, (His idea of Heaven)

Dessert! 

I had pineapple cilantro, the girls had strawberry lemonade

Beach day 

Touring the Castillo De San Marcos

Fountain of Youth Tour

Red Train tour! Best way to see and learn about the city! So great! 

We had so much fun in St. Augustine that we decided to go back the following weekend! Well really, my husband had another trade show. We took all four of the kiddos and had a blast!! We enjoyed the beach, awesome tours, and way too much good food. I have a triathlon this Saturday, so this week is going to be green smoothie detox for me! :)

Honestly, I don't remember the last time we had this much fun all together. Now, there certainly were moments of pure insanity, (brought on mostly by the toddlers),  but I think my 17 year old even had a good time! He even helped my husband out with his booth at the show one day while I took the little ones to a movie. I am so thankful for these trips together, and I hope they will cherish these memories forever.....I know I will! :)

Spring Break FUN!

Love that trailer in the back ground right? HA! 

A ride on the ferris wheel at the Strawberry Festival!

Visiting "the" Winter of Dolphin Tale! She is on the right.

Spent the afternoon at the beach! <3

Sometimes I complain about not having enough work at my PR firm, Crescendo. I am constantly thinking of ways to get more clients, more work, and generate more income. But lately, I am learning contentment. Maybe God is protecting me from becoming too busy while my littles are little. Otherwise, I wouldn't have time to take them on day trips, and spend time with them that I will never get back. I am reminded to be thankful for the work I do have, and cherish the time I am allowed to share with the most important people in my life! :)

Snow Day, Vacation Finale!

Hubs bought me these socks for my rainboots, and they have been GREAT!! 

Last day of vacation. We head home tomorrow. I am excited to start the new year, but sad to leave this cozy cabin! We have had the best time, I am so thankful for these times together! We are headed to the arts and crafts district now, Alwine Pottery is one of our favorites! Can't wait to see what they are making today!

Our Merry Christmas

Christmas Eve! Top: INC, Pants: Banana Republic, Necklace: Stella & Dot,
Shoes: My friend Court's massive closet :) 

Feeding the reindeer!

Santa has arrived!

Our Tree

Everything dinosaur!

All she wanted! <3

Talking dinosaurs with Poppy

Seriously, his favorite thing EVER.

Loves her new backpack

Our dinner table

What a perfect day! I love everything about Christmas, what it means, time with family, and even the smells! We had a wonderful day with our family and I could not feel more loved. In other news, I was really honored to be featured on the Love List for Rachel's blog, For the Birds. That was a gift to me, and such an amazing compliment! Today is clean up and packing as we leave early in the morning for our winter vacation in the mountains! Love and best wishes to you all! Merry Christmas!

Sweet Surprises

Dress & Belt: J. Crew, Blazer: Victoria's Secret Catalog, Shoes: Sam Edleman

My nieces and nephew

I love to mix frilly things I would wear in the summer with blazers and belts for fall! What I love even more is seeing surprise pictures of my nieces and nephews posted on my FB wall! My sister lives in France, she and her husband adopted these three from Brazil a couple of years ago...so I haven't even met them yet. Aren't they ADORABLE????? She made sure to point out the little one was sporting the flag! :) They went through years of IVF treatment with no success. But as you can see from the picture above, God had other plans and boy did he come through....well, He always does!

Day 16: 9 Miles, Church, Shamu and I'm Done!

Look #1: The Dress, Top: Matty M. (Thrifted), Jewelry: mixed, Shoes: Guess

Look #2: The Dress, Top: Nordstrom

3 of 4 of my children! (The one in the back we will claim, my daughter's BFF! 

I am beyond beat! I ran 9 miles this morning, went to church, and took kids to the Sea World Halloween Spooktakular! It was really fun, but I am really tired. The dress was worn 2 different ways today, and with that said, I do NOT advise wearing a dress like this to a theme park. I almost stripped down and bought some Shamu shorts! I wish I could be more creative with layering and such, but it is just way toooooo hot!  I hope everyone had a GREAT weekend! I'm OUT!

Birthdays and Barbeques

We took a road trip to Lady Lake on Saturday for weekend fun with the family! It was my brother's and my two little cousins' birthdays! My cousins live on a great piece of property with nothing around-dirt road and all! It was great out there, so peaceful and quiet....well all except for the noise we were making :) I missed the Tim Gunn Blogger Brilliance in Tampa, but skipping it for family was totally worth it! We had a GREAT weekend! Hope you did too! So....I am on final coutdown for my trip to Jamaica with my husband and BFF and her hubby! We leave Thursday! Can't WAIT!!!!! I really should get some packing advice from my Getaway Girl pal, Casey Wohl! Check out her blog for amazing reads of all things travel! She is a blast!

It's A Process

Top & Shorts: Banana Republic, Shoes: Target, Bag: Kate Spade,
 Jewelry: Stella & Dot, Watch: Michael Kors

It's a process, doing what we should instead of what we want. I think we all fail in this at times. I know I do. Searching for some balance in my life, last week I prayed and prayed and felt God telling me to resign from a women's volunteer organization in my town. I am way involved, and never say no....so this was very difficult for me. I even went to my first meeting and left sweating thinking about the responsibility of the VP position they were placing me in. So, I woke early last Thrusday morning and typed the email resignation even though I was still secretly worried to, "let go".  The problem is I want to do everything, and I just can't. My family suffers for it and then no one is happy. So this time I just did it, I quit. That may not seem like a very big thing, but it was for me. I could feel the weight being lifted off of my chest as soon as I hit send. So I am hoping that this small step in the process, will be a HUGE blessing for my family! I don't know what I will have to give up next, but trust I will be blogging about it! :)