Black and White

"Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also make music." -Unknown

Over the past five months I have accepted that life is not black and white. I have learned that there can be so much beauty in the gray areas. To be honest, I don't like "maybes", "if thens", or "either ors." I get so frustrated when faced with "sometimes this" and "sometimes that." Lately I have shed many tears over the "I don't knows." To many (myself included) black and white means that there is just one rule. There is a schedule with an exact time, and it's always the same. The rules apply to everyone and there are no exceptions. Black and white means things are predictable. Black and white means things seem fair and are clear. 

Nothing has felt fair or clear to me lately. My breast cancer diagnosis, the trials in my life and a fight for love that will end with a win that will reveal itself in a completely different way than I anticipated. But one thing has remained true, God's love. I can't even explain it properly, the outpouring of unconditional love that I am feeling for the first time in my life. From family, friends, complete strangers and from people I never imagined would care about me, or take time to join my fight.

Gray areas mean that the rule is sometimes one thing, and sometimes another thing. I am alright with that now. Again, I can't explain it...but it's true to me now. I know that this is happening to me for a reason. I am learning lessons that will make me a complete bad ass...whoops, sorry mom! But I want you all to know, anyone that is reading this—whatever it is that you are facing, embrace it. Look for the good in each day and you will find it, I promise. Go gray.

Discipline

When I signed on to The 12X12 Project, I thought I was just signing up for a yearlong shopfast, and a way to reach out to those in need. What I didn't realize at the time was that God was preparing me for something huge, a hardship that my family would face that I had absolutely no control over. Immediately following my commitment to The 12X12 Project, my husband and I felt lead to go through the Dave Ramsey financial class with our church. You may have read my post about cutting back, and that is just what we have done gradually since October of last year.

Last week, the world came crashing down on us again. My husband called me and told me that he had lost his job. There was nothing that he could do, they were making cutbacks and started with major players. He is the sole provider for our family of six, so you can imagine the panic that set in after hearing those words. Although ashamed to admit it, I immediately questioned God.

Why now God? Why would you take away our income when we have finally committed 100% to tithing and to your commands for how we handle our finances? 

He answered, and reminded me that He was preparing us for this. By committing to The 12X12 Project, and to the Dave Ramsey class we were able to downsize. I was able to train myself that I don't need "stuff" even though it is so nice to have the latest trends. I downsized my vehicle, my husband received a bonus in February that allowed us to pay off some debt that had been hanging over our heads, and I cut up all of my credit cards.

Had this news come with no financial cutbacks or preparation, I think I would still be in the fetal position. Now, I have to stay positive for my husband and my family. I have to believe in God and His plan for our family, and to trust Him to provide for us. This is a situation that we have never been through before, and God is using it to mold us and to show us that we have to cling to him to make it through. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know how He will work this out....but in addition to posting my outfits, I will be using my blog to track our new journey. Hopefully very soon I will be reporting the wonderful things He is doing for us through this time of discipline.