Friday, August 29, 2014

I Woke Up Like This

My week, #nofilter

At times it takes more than an alarm to wake us up. For me, it took a virus that hit me like a ton of bricks on this past Sunday afternoon. Today is day 6, and I am finally making a slow comeback. This is going to sound crazy, but I am glad that I got sick. I am glad that God used this life sucking virus to slow me down because I needed to check myself.

I have been very angry on the inside for a long time now. There are some things that I have been holding on to, that needed to be released....maybe even for a second or third time. I suppose I hold on to anger because I think I didn't deserve the treatment, or I am afraid to let go and be hurt again. I also have mom guilt. I blame myself for things I could have done better, or continue to fail at. I put pressure on myself to say yes to everything, to please people. I'm training for a marathon, I have four children's schedules to juggle, I work, I help my friends, I cook meals for people in need, and I volunteer a LOT. All the while behind a smile, my insides are burning with anger and bitterness. My fuse is short at home, and I loose it with my husband and children frequently. As bad as I want to alleviate stress in my life, I am constantly and consistently adding more to myself.

Two weeks ago, a counselor told me that if I didn't let go, I was going to get sick. He was right, and I did. When you can't do anything but lie in bed, there is plenty of time to listen to God. There was time to read devotions, helpful books I have been avoiding or didn't have time for, and time to search my broken and bitter heart. One devotion that spoke very loudly said that most people today are living in a perpetual state of overload, stretching themselves to the limit. As a result, they are on the verge of collapse. Even the atmosphere seems to be charted with all kinds of stress, pressure, discouragement, and negativity.

Wake up CATHY! This is you.

"The right attitude opens the door for God to work supernaturally and help you. The right attitude is what allows you to be in the world but not of it, even when you're surrounded by it." -Joyce Meyer

So I let go. I turned that anger and bitterness over, again. I gave the guilt to Him too. I feel lighter (and not just from the lack of eating). I feel peace. The sad part is that I KNOW in my mind that I needed to do this a long time ago, but my heart just wouldn't let go. I know that it will come back again. It always does. But my prayer is that I will remember that I woke up like this....and take it immediately back to the one who's yolk is easy, and burden is light. Matt 11: 28-30.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Frail.....or Frailty?

I heard the other day on a talk show that when young girls are called "frail" they take it as a HUGE compliment. They also talked about a number of eating disorders that girls are very sick with such as eating cotton balls to feel full, and wearing corsets that actually rearrange their internal organs to make their waistlines smaller. It makes me sad.

Frailty: moral weakness; liability to yield to temptation.

This sounds more like it to me. Myself included. No....I don't eat cotton balls or wear corsets, but I do obsess about my weight. I know I am not over weight, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be thinner and more tone. I know I should love my body and be thankful that I am healthy, but I still fall into the trap. I believe the lie that I am not fit enough....not thin enough.

It has been hard for me as I get older to accept and love my body as it changes. I read such inspiring posts about loving your stretch marks, cellulite, c-section scars, etc. I still struggle. It was challenging to write this now, but I needed to get it out and be honest for my daughters' sake. I have two girls that are growing up in a social media world where their value will be based on their "likes." How can I teach them differently if I can't except my own body and its changes?

I wonder even if every photo that was photoshopped was tagged "photoshopped", would we stop obsessing? I don't think we are comparing ourselves to pictures only. My point is there will always be someone younger, thinner, prettier, taller, shorter, blonder, etc. It's a struggle, and I think it will still be a struggle even when we tap into what we know is truth. The truth that God loves us and He thinks that we are beautiful no matter what size we are, or how much our bodies change over the years.

I'll be honest, the battle will continue for me. I will continue to pray daily for Him to give me the strength to display self confidence instead of self condemnation in front of my girls. I pray that we can be healthy and strong together.....not frail.

Psalm 139:14
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.