The Waiting Game

After waiting over a week...I face another big day tomorrow. I meet with my surgeon to go over my final pathology report from the bilateral mastectomy I had on October 16. I am scared, but I am ready to know what is coming next. Since my lymph nodes were clear and the aggressive cancer was so small...there is a chance that if all other tumors come back non-invasive I won't need chemotherapy after all. This ride has been such a rollercoaster, I have learned I have to just go with it. I can't help but get my hopes up! There are SO many people praying for me and things have continued to turn around for me in an instant during this journey. I was originally going to start chemo first, and now they tell me there is a chance I won't need it at all! What a blessing to have found my incredible doctors at Moffitt Cancer Center. I have no doubt that God has directed every step of the way, no matter how painful it has been.

I am so thankful for my fight club. There are a million cards all over my house. Beautiful flowers, meals delivered, sweet messages and gifts are arriving on a daily basis. My girls have participated in breast cancer walks for me...and they even ran a half marathon in my honor this past weekend! I am overwhelmed. My emotions have been crazy, and as alone as I feel at times, I couldn't feel more loved. I am so grateful my best friend will be with me tomorrow to hold my hand and to cry with me no matter the outcome. Even if it is chemo, I will do it...I will keep fighting. Thank you for your love, and for your prayers!

XO,
Cathy

Black and White

"Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also make music." -Unknown

Over the past five months I have accepted that life is not black and white. I have learned that there can be so much beauty in the gray areas. To be honest, I don't like "maybes", "if thens", or "either ors." I get so frustrated when faced with "sometimes this" and "sometimes that." Lately I have shed many tears over the "I don't knows." To many (myself included) black and white means that there is just one rule. There is a schedule with an exact time, and it's always the same. The rules apply to everyone and there are no exceptions. Black and white means things are predictable. Black and white means things seem fair and are clear. 

Nothing has felt fair or clear to me lately. My breast cancer diagnosis, the trials in my life and a fight for love that will end with a win that will reveal itself in a completely different way than I anticipated. But one thing has remained true, God's love. I can't even explain it properly, the outpouring of unconditional love that I am feeling for the first time in my life. From family, friends, complete strangers and from people I never imagined would care about me, or take time to join my fight.

Gray areas mean that the rule is sometimes one thing, and sometimes another thing. I am alright with that now. Again, I can't explain it...but it's true to me now. I know that this is happening to me for a reason. I am learning lessons that will make me a complete bad ass...whoops, sorry mom! But I want you all to know, anyone that is reading this—whatever it is that you are facing, embrace it. Look for the good in each day and you will find it, I promise. Go gray.