153

153...the number of cards I have received since my breast cancer diagnosis. When I see these cards they remind me of the unconditional love that is surrounding me and supporting me. Even when I feel so alone that I can barely breathe. This has been such a painful rollercoaster ride. Waiting on a plan and having the plan change multiple times. I am emotional and irrational 98% of the time, but I am amazed that I'm not in a psychiatric ward after everything I have been through over the past six months.

I have a confirmed plan now. This Thursday I will start chemotherapy to attack my HER2 positive breast cancer and make sure that there is not one cell left in my body. Four rounds of a triple whammy consisting of Taxol, Carboplatin, and the targeted drug Herceptin. My infusions will be every 3 weeks. I'll be done with the chemo by January and then I will finish out the year with Herceptin infusions every three weeks. It'll be no picnic. I am still terrified no matter how many people tell me I can do it. I don't want to, but who does? So many amazing women have gone through this before me, how can I stop fighting now?

I lived in a tad bit of denial this weekend. I went to New York, to pretend like I didn't have cancer. It was fun, but on the drive back home from the airport I lost it. It felt good to escape and feel normal and not sick, but coming back to reality felt empty and scary. After surgery, I kept praying the plan would change again and I wouldn't need poison pumped through my body. That didn't happen, so I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to have fun...and I did, but reality was still waiting on me when I unlocked my car to drive home. It didn't make the cancer go away, and it didn't cure my loneliness.

I was able to regroup early this morning. I prayed instead of denying my situation. I asked God to show me how to handle the cancer with grace—and to use him instead of running toward distractions. After all, I am learning that the distractions aren't there for me when I feel low afterward. Reality will always return, and I have to accept that this is my life right now. I have to learn to lean on those that I know really care about me and what's best for me. Those who love me to the fullest no matter what I am capable of giving them in return during this season.

When I was praying on the way home, this song came on. It spoke to me and I wept. He his my revival, not distractions or denial. XO, Cathy

The Waiting Game

After waiting over a week...I face another big day tomorrow. I meet with my surgeon to go over my final pathology report from the bilateral mastectomy I had on October 16. I am scared, but I am ready to know what is coming next. Since my lymph nodes were clear and the aggressive cancer was so small...there is a chance that if all other tumors come back non-invasive I won't need chemotherapy after all. This ride has been such a rollercoaster, I have learned I have to just go with it. I can't help but get my hopes up! There are SO many people praying for me and things have continued to turn around for me in an instant during this journey. I was originally going to start chemo first, and now they tell me there is a chance I won't need it at all! What a blessing to have found my incredible doctors at Moffitt Cancer Center. I have no doubt that God has directed every step of the way, no matter how painful it has been.

I am so thankful for my fight club. There are a million cards all over my house. Beautiful flowers, meals delivered, sweet messages and gifts are arriving on a daily basis. My girls have participated in breast cancer walks for me...and they even ran a half marathon in my honor this past weekend! I am overwhelmed. My emotions have been crazy, and as alone as I feel at times, I couldn't feel more loved. I am so grateful my best friend will be with me tomorrow to hold my hand and to cry with me no matter the outcome. Even if it is chemo, I will do it...I will keep fighting. Thank you for your love, and for your prayers!

XO,
Cathy

A Litte Too Much

I had my second biopsy yesterday. The more procedures and tests, the more real this is becoming. It's weird to hope for more cancer, but I need this original tumor to be a certain size to qualify for the targeted drug that I need. God's got this. I know it.

Every time it gets to be too much, something incredible happens. This past weekend my girlfriends took me away for a celebration before the weeks of hell that is chemo begin. I met new friends, some that have brought more smiles to my face than I have smiled in a long time. I felt so very loved. Phillip at the Grand Bohemian Hotel in Orlando sent me home with a card signed by the entire hotel staff. It brought me to tears. The staff at the spa hugged me and gave me the most special treatment. My girls decorated our suite and planned everything for me. We spent time with a precious childhood friend of mine who lives in Winter Park. The weekend was perfect.

Every day, there is at least one card in my mailbox and a handful of random texts come through supporting me. You all are keeping me going. The support has been tremendous, during a time when sometimes I get lost in loneliness and fear.

This song A Little Too Much by Shawn Mendez says it all! Thank you to those who have taken my hand in this journey. XO