The Hair Scare

Introducing: My very own cancer fighting logo, by the amazing creative genius: Allen Reed

The hair I have been growing out for the past three years will be soon be gone. I am terrified. I run my hands through it a million times a day, thinking about how it never really mattered to me like it does now. I have had a pixie cut before and it didn't bother me, but loosing my hair when it's not my choice is another story. It's not just about loosing the hair, I am terrified of the entire process. My sweet Kade (6) is worried about it, "Mommy, you'll wear a wig right? I only want you to take it off when you are in the shower." My heart sinks...I don't want to scare him, I'm sure once he realizes I am his same mommy, he will be just fine. 

Loosing my hair should really be the least of my worries, I know. But in the spirit of transparency, it is very scary to me. It is the first step. It will make the fact that I have breast cancer and will be undergoing chemo very real. Every time I see myself in my baldness, I will be reminded that this is all really happening, and I am in the fight of my life. My combat: I am researching wigs, learning how to tie head scarves, and hoping to do chemotherapy in style. This is possible right? Unrealistic expectations are my specialty...so remind me of this when I decide to say screw the cute wig and scarf, give me a baseball cap. ;) 

This next update is important! Please don't stop reading, I promise this post isn't just me whining about loosing my hair. 

During my MRI, the original lump that I felt lit up. Unfortunately I am one of the 20% who has a breast cancer that is not detectable by mammogram or ultrasound. I originally felt it and had my first mammogram and ultrasound last year in April. They told me they saw no abnormalities and sent me on my way. Well this tumor doesn't feel like or look like the average breast cancer. I thank God every day that it grew the two masses that were detectable this August. I am glad I told my doctor I STILL felt the original mass in August. If not, instead of getting this diagnosis on August 25th, they would have sent me away with a very aggressive cancer, telling me there was nothing abnormal on my scans.

I tell you this because you know your body, if you feel something and don't know what it is...insist that they find out. Don't take "we saw nothing abnormal" as an answer. Don't back down. We have to be our own health care advocates. It's so important, because sometimes "protocol" is just WRONG. It just is. 

So up next for me will look something like this:

Beginning in October, I will have a total of 6 rounds of a chemo cocktail containing two targeted drugs for my type of cancer and two types of chemo. I am very thankful that I have a cancer that has targeted drugs for treatment. Others are not so fortunate. After chemo I will have surgery and then I will finish out the rest of the year with Herceptin IV infusions every three weeks. It's going to be a long and difficult road, but everyone is telling me I can do it...and I am beginning to believe them. I have to. I have so much to fight for. 

Most are asking what they can do for me. I do have a request. Please pray specifically that my side effects from the chemo are minimal. That is my biggest fear. Thank you to everyone who has sent cards, made me dinner, brought flowers, gift cards, notes and messages of encouragement. You are keeping me going! XO

Expectations, Survival and Grace

Expectation- Often, expectations, a prospect of future good profit: to have great expectations. 

False expectations have left me feeling devastated. I have learned over the past 15 years and most recently over the past four months...that just because I am willing to repeatedly sacrifice for someone that I love, I shouldn't expect that person will sacrifice the same for me in return. They just may not be capable of doing so, even if they've tried over and over and wish they could. Learning that it's time to let go doesn't make the heartbreak any easier to bear. Why God? Expectation failed. I ran the New York City Marathon last year in November, and another half marathon just a few months ago. I am a triathlete, I love yoga. I juice, exercise regularly and take my vitamins. I expected to be the picture of health. On Tuesday I was diagnosed with breast cancer, small but aggressive they tell me...and no history of breast cancer in my family. Why God? Expectation failed.

Survival-The act or fact of surviving, especially under adverse or unusual circumstances. A person or thing that survives or endures.

Facing life again as a single mom very recently was a painful and sudden shock. But I realized quickly that I wasn't alone. Angels were all around me in the form of friends and family that love my children and I unconditionally. Friends invited me to their beach homes and on trips. I have never felt so alone yet so loved at the same time. Even in starting a new job, God placed me exactly where I needed to be. I am surrounded by the most incredible, understanding and encouraging work family a girl could ask for. Thank you God! Survival! For those of you who have asked me how I do everything I do, I won't be doing everything anymore. I will have a new normal. I don't know how I will fight this cancer or what it's going to look like in detail yet, but I know I will survive. I know this because the minute I told my friends and family about my diagnosis they showed up at my house when I arrived home from work with food for my children and I. They brought cards, flowers, gifts and of course wine. :) They took care of my children, folded my laundry and took out my garbage when all I could do was cry...and worry about how I was going to tackle another obstacle on top of what I was already going through. They cried with me. I am not alone, I am surrounded by angels yet again. God is loving me through this amazing community of people. Thank you God! Survival! 


Grace-The influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

I believe in the power of God's grace. I believe He will hold me tight through what has been most horrendous year of my life so far. He will do that with his power and through my friends and family. I may ask why a thousand times, but I will not stop praising him and acknowledging that he is still good. God...your grace is enough. I may get mad, yell a few curse words and not want to get out of bed some days, but God...your grace is enough. I may be going through hell on earth right now, but He has given me so much. I have four beautiful children, an amazing family, church, incredible friends and all of my needs are being met beyond my expectations. God...your grace is enough.


I am not sure how much of my journey I will share, or will feel like sharing as I move forward but the point of this post is to tell the truth so that my friends, family and accuaintances can hear this from me and not through the rumor mill. On the days that I want to scream, cry and not go on...I will play this song which has been on repeat. Even when it hurts, I am loved. Thank you for letting me share.

My Famous Potato Fries

I love french fries. As a matter of fact, I will go to a restaurant just to eat their fries. I make these at home quite a bit, and my kids love them. Tonight they are going alongside grilled pork chops. Here is my super easy recipe:

Potatoes (Cut in half and sliced thin)
Olive oil or melted coconut oil
Sea salt
Pepper
Paprika
Fresh garlic (I grind mine on a microplane)
*Fancy optional ingredient: Black truffle oil

Place sliced potatoes in a bowl. Coat with a good amount of oil, I have no exact measurement. Sprinkle on sea salt, pepper, paprika and fresh garlic to your liking and toss. Spray a pan with cooking spray and arrange potato slices as evenly as possible. Roast in the oven at 375 degrees for about 35-45 minutes depending on how crispy you like them, we love them super crispy. If you really want a special treat, drizzle a little black truffle oil over them and toss before you serve. Enjoy!

The BEST Brownies

Say hello to the best brownies you will ever taste. This mix can also be made and given as a gift in a jar tied with a cute tag. Just add the wet ingredients, bake, and enjoy. Here is the recipe, you can thank me later. :)

Ingredients:
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 cups white sugar

Wet ingredients:
1 cup melted butter or margarine
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla

1. Mix dry ingredients together and place in a jar or container to give as a gift with a cute tag listing the baking instructions. OR, add wet ingredients and mix until well combined. Grease a 9x13 pan. Spread batter evenly and bake at 350 for 22-25 minutes or until done.

**Gluten Free** Use your favorite gluten free flour mix (I like coconut flour) in place of the all purpose flour and add 1 tsp xanthum gum. **Dairy Free** Use dairy free margarine or coconut oil.

DAILYLOOK, Little Black Dress

Little Black Dress
with
DAILYLOOK, Miss Stone, Dolce Vita

I was inspired by DAILYLOOK to style a little black dress for the perfect date night look. The little black dress is an important staple in my closet, and one that can be dressed up or dressed down. I chose to go elegant with this look, and in my opinion...it wouldn't be complete without a matte red lip. Dressed down, I would pair it with booties and a denim jacket. Take a minute and visit the links above to browse through a number of LBDs on DAILYLOOK's site. The hardest part will be choosing one. What's your favorite way to wear a LBD?

Rejoice, I Remembered my Login Information!!

I finally took some photos, downloaded and edited them, went to the login page for my blog.......and drew a complete blank. I guess it's been a while. It took a minute, but it came back to me.

One of my resolutions for 2015 was to start blogging again. Maybe not every day or even once a week, but more often. After all, we should make time for doing things we love, and this little blog has brought much happiness to my life. I have met friends, talked out my feelings on its pages, shared my life...and even my struggles with you all. It really is therapeutic, and fun. 

I love sharing outfit ideas, and ways that I am utilizing things that may or may not have been in my closet for 10 years or more. ;) Exhibit A: This outfit.....old. So I threw on some new red pumps and red lips to add a pop of color. Oh, and the red pumps are on clearance right now for $23.00 at Nordstrom Rack. The red lips are my new favorite matte red, Eden by NYX. You can find it at Ulta. I really do hope to be connecting with you more often, here's to a great 2015!

"Maxi"mize

Sunnies: Marc Jacobs, Maxi: Lucca Couture, Necklace c/o Uncommon Goods

Well, the time has come. It's Friday! Today I decided to "maxi"mize my comfort by wearing this super soft and light maxi dress by Lucca Couture. It is available for a STEAL at Nordstrom Rack online for $20.00! Go get one, you will LOVE it! While everyone else is saying goodbye to summer, we are down here in Florida refusing to wear pants. Have a great weekend, and long live the maxi dress. :) 

I Woke Up Like This

My week, #nofilter

At times it takes more than an alarm to wake us up. For me, it took a virus that hit me like a ton of bricks on this past Sunday afternoon. Today is day 6, and I am finally making a slow comeback. This is going to sound crazy, but I am glad that I got sick. I am glad that God used this life sucking virus to slow me down because I needed to check myself.

I have been very angry on the inside for a long time now. There are some things that I have been holding on to, that needed to be released....maybe even for a second or third time. I suppose I hold on to anger because I think I didn't deserve the treatment, or I am afraid to let go and be hurt again. I also have mom guilt. I blame myself for things I could have done better, or continue to fail at. I put pressure on myself to say yes to everything, to please people. I'm training for a marathon, I have four children's schedules to juggle, I work, I help my friends, I cook meals for people in need, and I volunteer a LOT. All the while behind a smile, my insides are burning with anger and bitterness. My fuse is short at home, and I loose it with my husband and children frequently. As bad as I want to alleviate stress in my life, I am constantly and consistently adding more to myself.

Two weeks ago, a counselor told me that if I didn't let go, I was going to get sick. He was right, and I did. When you can't do anything but lie in bed, there is plenty of time to listen to God. There was time to read devotions, helpful books I have been avoiding or didn't have time for, and time to search my broken and bitter heart. One devotion that spoke very loudly said that most people today are living in a perpetual state of overload, stretching themselves to the limit. As a result, they are on the verge of collapse. Even the atmosphere seems to be charted with all kinds of stress, pressure, discouragement, and negativity.

Wake up CATHY! This is you.

"The right attitude opens the door for God to work supernaturally and help you. The right attitude is what allows you to be in the world but not of it, even when you're surrounded by it." -Joyce Meyer

So I let go. I turned that anger and bitterness over, again. I gave the guilt to Him too. I feel lighter (and not just from the lack of eating). I feel peace. The sad part is that I KNOW in my mind that I needed to do this a long time ago, but my heart just wouldn't let go. I know that it will come back again. It always does. But my prayer is that I will remember that I woke up like this....and take it immediately back to the one who's yolk is easy, and burden is light. Matt 11: 28-30.

Frail.....or Frailty?

I heard the other day on a talk show that when young girls are called "frail" they take it as a HUGE compliment. They also talked about a number of eating disorders that girls are very sick with such as eating cotton balls to feel full, and wearing corsets that actually rearrange their internal organs to make their waistlines smaller. It makes me sad.

Frailty: moral weakness; liability to yield to temptation.

This sounds more like it to me. Myself included. No....I don't eat cotton balls or wear corsets, but I do obsess about my weight. I know I am not over weight, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be thinner and more tone. I know I should love my body and be thankful that I am healthy, but I still fall into the trap. I believe the lie that I am not fit enough....not thin enough.

It has been hard for me as I get older to accept and love my body as it changes. I read such inspiring posts about loving your stretch marks, cellulite, c-section scars, etc. I still struggle. It was challenging to write this now, but I needed to get it out and be honest for my daughters' sake. I have two girls that are growing up in a social media world where their value will be based on their "likes." How can I teach them differently if I can't except my own body and its changes?

I wonder even if every photo that was photoshopped was tagged "photoshopped", would we stop obsessing? I don't think we are comparing ourselves to pictures only. My point is there will always be someone younger, thinner, prettier, taller, shorter, blonder, etc. It's a struggle, and I think it will still be a struggle even when we tap into what we know is truth. The truth that God loves us and He thinks that we are beautiful no matter what size we are, or how much our bodies change over the years.

I'll be honest, the battle will continue for me. I will continue to pray daily for Him to give me the strength to display self confidence instead of self condemnation in front of my girls. I pray that we can be healthy and strong together.....not frail.


Psalm 139:14
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Out of the Blue

This post comes out of the blue, from the depths of what I call "Camp Cathy". Also known as summertime, when I have my children at home with me full time. So far everyone has made it unscathed to July 9th. Five weeks, nine days to go. Yes I am counting, and NO I do not feel guilty.

Time for blogging has been replaced with taking advantage of the free movies at our local theater, trips to the YMCA, breaking up numerous fights, swimming until we have prune hands, getting someone a snack at least 50 times throughout the day, playing games, making crafts, and watching enough kids on demand to make my head spin. Cute outfits have been replaced with workout wear as I take full advantage of the 2 hour maximum child care at the YMCA. It's crucial, trust me. In effort to wear them out and keep them busy, I have worn myself out.

Aside from running Camp Cathy, I am also attempting to work from home which is no easy feat. Even though I know that I will never regret the sacrifice I am making now, the days are long. Before I had the two littles I was working full time as a single mom of two, and I would covet the stay at home moms. I would like to go back in time and high five them all now. I had no idea how hard it would be. I am blessed to have a ton of fun with my kids, but there is a ton of stress that goes along with that too. 

Although this is a lot of venting and complaining, I am grateful. I did get a break away with my husband to beautiful Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Those five days were bliss, and what a treat it was to relax. Full time work will always be there, and I am certain whatever God has for me when my children are older will be ready and waiting for me. Until then it's love, pray, play, work, eat, sleep and repeat. 

Virtual high five to all moms.....we've got this!

326 Gifts.....and Counting

You haven't seen much activity on this blog lately. I chalk it up to blog funk. While on vacation this week I am being reminded of just how much I have to be thankful for.....and it hit me that I never even came close to finishing my 1000 gifts list. The last time I even documented the list was gift 326 on this post in October of last year. Sad.

What better way to start blogging again, than to blog about what I am thankful for?

327. Ocean breeze on the balcony
328. Sleeping until 8:15am
329. Palm trees
330. Canopies for shade
331. Coconut water
332. Shuffle board
333. Colorful kites flying high
334. Conch fritters
335. Clearance racks
336. Hot showers with homemade soap
337. My husband's job
338. My husband's boss
339. Gas in the car
340. Handstands in the sand
341. Watching my kids dance
342. Lucky charms
343. Fresh fish on the grill
344. Sea glass
345. Pretty paper
346. Warm towels out of the dryer
347. Friendly smiles
348. Bright pink flowers on green bushes
349. Working through arguments
350. A room overflowing with family members

Denim Day Everywhere

Well, apparently nothing brings a girl out of a blogging slump like Denim Day Everywhere! Wearing jeans on Denim Day has become a symbol of protest against the erroneous and destructive attitudes about sexual assault. In this rape prevention education campaign, being championed by Peace River Center and our local law enforcement, the community was asked to make a social statement today by wearing jeans as a visible means of protest against the misconceptions that surround sexual assault.

Do you have your denim on today?

Blog Neglect

It's been almost a month since my last blog post. I can't believe it. I have had some extra work projects pop up, and I have spent a lot of time at the office (pictures above).

Other reasons include: Poor time management, creative slump, busy kids, traveling husband, etc. Hold tight....I'll be back soon.

The Outfit of Yesterday

If you saw me today, you know I wasn't wearing this. I call it my #OOY (outfit of yesterday). It was quite windy, and I included a couple outtakes for your enjoyment. Hope you made it through hump day happily. 

Meeting Sarah Jessica Parker

Our SJP "Meme"

The tweets

SJP herself, what a delight! Bonus: They didn't tackle me for taking a selfie.

Our beautiful new friend, SJP's sweet assistant. We love her!

My lovely cousin Katya, SO fun hanging in line with her!

Her mention of us on Instagram. 

My Carries, in love!

Square Pegs, Flight of the Navigator, Footloose, and Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I loved Sarah Jessica Parker way before she was Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie, was just the icing on the cake that is SJP.

A tad bit of Instagram stalking and a wild hair sent me on a mother daughter weekend with my 12 year old to Miami, on a mission to meet SJP during her whistle stop shoe signing tour. My friend at Nordstrom Aventura Mall tipped me off that she'd only be there one hour, so we'd better be early. I also knew if I wanted a chance to make a connection, I'd have to be creative. I decided to come up with a hashtag, #operationmeetsjp. I started documenting our trip from the start and what do you know, SJP responded to not one, but two of our tweets. She's a mom, and she loved it that we were doing this together. Fast friends we became. As she came down the escalator, her assistant pointed us out, she was looking for us! Social media allowed us the opportunity to skip introductions, and just be friends. I have the video to prove it. :)

I didn't have time to tell her a fraction of what I had to say. How I adore her as a mom and wife, how I respect her ability to balance career and family, what an an amazing example she sets for women and young girls, how I love that she puts the ones she loves the most first, and how much her fashion risks have inspired me over the years. I thanked her. For taking her time to do this, to make dreams come true for people like me who have adored her for so many years.

After our signing and selfie, we were interviewed by the local news station about our social media connection and then we headed off to hold up my the end of the bargain....taking my daughter shopping and to lunch. It really was a fantastic time. We waited about four and a half hours, but it was totally worth it. Nordstrom was super accommodating and took great care of us, we made so many new friends, and we had the chance to spend time with my sweet cousin Katya who actually moved to NYC from Russia years ago, after falling in love with Sex and the City.

The highlight of the trip was spending time with my family. We met up with my other cousin Milo one evening, and then spent our last day with my oldest son in Boca Raton. My daughter and I laughed, sang, and talked about all things girlie. We ate good, slept good, and played good. The weekend will go down as my best ever. So far anyway....no telling where my new purple Carrie's will take me. ;)

The "J" Word

jeal·ous  (jĕl′əs) adj. 1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position. 2. a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others. b. Inclined to suspect rivalry. 3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts. 4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name. 5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.

My morning devotion agitated a raw spot in my heart. So today there will be no outfit, only a post on my feelings and I hope that's alright. I was lead to write this, and that's all the confirmation I need.

Today I read the following in my Joyce Meyer daily devotional. "Comparing our lives with other people's lives in unfair, to them and to us. It's unfair to them because if we become jealous of what they have, what they know, how they look, etc. we start to resent them. Then we can no longer appreciate them as the wonderful person that God made them to be. It's unfair to us because it limits God's plan for our lives. Comparison says to God, "I want to limit Your work in my life to this and nothing else. I just want to be like this other person, and have what they have."

In the definition of the word jealousy, letter b above says: Inclined to suspect rivalry. I wonder how many wonderful relationships we are robbing ourselves of because of our suspicions? Our judgements of others before we ever even give them a chance? I say this because I have battled this my entire life. I am tall, I like to dress nice, I was a cheerleader, a dancer, involved and outgoing. I have been labeled a "snob" and "selfish" and "all about me." People have even labeled me as materialistic. I would later receive apologies from friends that judged me before they knew me. Stating that they were wrong, for letting their suspicions and assumptions determine their opinion of me, rather than taking time to know my heart. This still happens today and I am 38 years old! It makes me sad. It hurts, because the desire of my heart is to be friends with everyone, and the thought that someone may take a step back because they don't want to take time to know me is painful.

I don't write this to paint the picture that I am totally unapproachable to everyone, because generally I do make fast friends. But in these situations when an assumption leads to a judgement, I feel like I get robbed. Do I do this to others? I am sure I have been guilty, and I have surely robbed myself on occasion.

I end with this. I took my daughter to a birthday party this weekend. I had to snap a picture of her face, pure joy in watching her friend open her gifts. She didn't have a second thought of jealousy, she was just full of joy to see her friend opening her gifts. Are we that way? Can we smile and feel happy for our friends when their good is SO good when our lives seem less than fantastic? Are we reaching out to celebrate with them? Or feeling left behind and resentful of their glory? I want to continue to find joy in the gifts my friends receive. I may think...WOW I sure would like that, or I sure wish I had it as good as they do, but I don't ever want that to get in the way of celebrating the good things in their lives. I also don't ever want to let my assumptions sabotage an opportunity to love someone. Because you know what, God has unique gifts for all of us and if we know that, and rest in that.....we won't have time for suspicions, assumptions, or jealousy.

Yes, Friday!

Sporting my V-Day gift, Watch: Michael Kors

It's Friday, and it just doesn't get much better than that. I am looking forward to a super busy weekend transporting children from lock-ins, to soccer, to tee ball, and birthday parties. Maybe, just maybe....there will be time to catch up on some shows, read, and relax on Sunday.

I'm working from home today, and in between emails and phone calls I am cleaning out my closet. I started thinking about last year, and the shop fast. I feel so very grateful for my closet today, and the clothes and shoes that are in it. There are always things I will want being a lover of fashion, but once again I feel so blessed to have what I need.

The Urge to Cut

This is the cut I'm considering, thoughts??

I REALLY want to cut my hair. Having short hair for over 10 years leaves me not knowing what to do with my growing locks. Today, I used the curling wand for what I call a "beachy waves" look. But I am running out of ideas.

So, the last picture is the cut I am considering, should I go for it? Or let it grow?

Sometimes......You Get More Than Groceries at Sam's Club

Yes, sometimes you get more than what you went in for when you go to Sam's Club. Today I got hit on....by a 70 year old. But you know what, I am not complaining. It made me smile, and he seemed happy to meet a new friend. It would have been the perfect time for Ellen to use me for a laugh like this one. 

I have to give my BFF credit for this amazing Banana Republic skirt. She thrifted it for me. Isn't it one of the happiest skirts ever? Orange is my favorite. I hope you are having a super hump day!

Bird is the Word

Thanks to one of my sponsors, eShakti, I am sporting a new dress today. A dress that I absolutely adore. What makes eShakti extra special is that you can custom order clothing to fit your measurements perfectly, which is a blessing for a tall girl like me. This is something pretty great for my shawties aka shorties out there too!

I chose this dress because it mixes two styles I love the most. Classic on top, and fun print on the bottom. It even has birds on it, and what's happier than birds? Of course I have to link to one of my favorite Portlandia clips, "put a bird on it", every time I talk about bird prints. Enjoy the laugh!