Through All Of It

Every day, fighting breast cancer becomes a little less scary. I have already made it through my first chemo topped with a dose of Strep Throat and I am still going. The only other side effect that I am experiencing right now is dry cracked lips. I could barely open my mouth to eat this morning without pain. After calling my oncologist this afternoon, her solution was Lansinoh, something I used for dry cracked nipples while nursing my babies! So weird, but she was right and it's working. I am so thankful to feel good other than this small annoyance. I am not even scared of loosing my hair anymore. I have the date set for my buzz cut, as my hair will begin to fall out after my next treatment on December 3rd. I am sure it will be emotional, but I am not afraid.

 There is always something to be grateful for. 

I was able to be loved on again this past weekend, to spend time with my (SOFLO) south florida girlfriends. Of course I always want to get away, but I didn't realize how much I needed it until I got there. I laughed, I cried and I danced...and it felt good. I shared my heart and that felt good too. Many times my eyes aren't open to my own behaviors and habits until I hear them back from my friends. The friends that love me the most. This weekend I told them about my fears of going through chemo without my spouse by my side. I cry when I see a husband holding his wife's hand in the waiting room, I tear up in the valet when I watch a husband open the door and buckle his wife in the car safely. I told my friends I wasn't looking forward to the holidays because everything will be so different this year. My ideals are wrecked and everything that I have had in the past is gone. I have to accept a new normal, and find joy in that all while fighting breast cancer at the same time.

Something else I am learning:
Don't ever assume that what you feel in your heart is the same as what someone else feels for you.

I talked about how I wish I could be harder, less giving of my heart and less needy of a partner and emotional support. They reminded me that I can be needy right now, but I need to depend on the right people. God first and safe people like my family and friends who want to help. They also told me not to change, to keep my heart soft and open to loving and giving to others...BUT to put up some DARN boundaries and stop letting people take advantage of me! I made a small step toward that on Sunday and it felt good, letting go of something that I really never had in the first place.

I would be a fool to think that there won't be more pain coming, but I refuse to let it steal my joy one more minute. I'll give my heart, but I'll give it to friends and family that will protect it. I will accept that the holidays will be different this year and enjoy every minute that I have with my children, friends and family. I will release my ideals and pray that God will replace them one day with something so much more than I can even imagine. It really is the only way, He's been here through it all of it. Take a minute to watch and listen:

The "J" Word

jeal·ous  (jĕl′əs) adj. 1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position. 2. a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others. b. Inclined to suspect rivalry. 3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts. 4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name. 5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.

My morning devotion agitated a raw spot in my heart. So today there will be no outfit, only a post on my feelings and I hope that's alright. I was lead to write this, and that's all the confirmation I need.

Today I read the following in my Joyce Meyer daily devotional. "Comparing our lives with other people's lives in unfair, to them and to us. It's unfair to them because if we become jealous of what they have, what they know, how they look, etc. we start to resent them. Then we can no longer appreciate them as the wonderful person that God made them to be. It's unfair to us because it limits God's plan for our lives. Comparison says to God, "I want to limit Your work in my life to this and nothing else. I just want to be like this other person, and have what they have."

In the definition of the word jealousy, letter b above says: Inclined to suspect rivalry. I wonder how many wonderful relationships we are robbing ourselves of because of our suspicions? Our judgements of others before we ever even give them a chance? I say this because I have battled this my entire life. I am tall, I like to dress nice, I was a cheerleader, a dancer, involved and outgoing. I have been labeled a "snob" and "selfish" and "all about me." People have even labeled me as materialistic. I would later receive apologies from friends that judged me before they knew me. Stating that they were wrong, for letting their suspicions and assumptions determine their opinion of me, rather than taking time to know my heart. This still happens today and I am 38 years old! It makes me sad. It hurts, because the desire of my heart is to be friends with everyone, and the thought that someone may take a step back because they don't want to take time to know me is painful.

I don't write this to paint the picture that I am totally unapproachable to everyone, because generally I do make fast friends. But in these situations when an assumption leads to a judgement, I feel like I get robbed. Do I do this to others? I am sure I have been guilty, and I have surely robbed myself on occasion.

I end with this. I took my daughter to a birthday party this weekend. I had to snap a picture of her face, pure joy in watching her friend open her gifts. She didn't have a second thought of jealousy, she was just full of joy to see her friend opening her gifts. Are we that way? Can we smile and feel happy for our friends when their good is SO good when our lives seem less than fantastic? Are we reaching out to celebrate with them? Or feeling left behind and resentful of their glory? I want to continue to find joy in the gifts my friends receive. I may think...WOW I sure would like that, or I sure wish I had it as good as they do, but I don't ever want that to get in the way of celebrating the good things in their lives. I also don't ever want to let my assumptions sabotage an opportunity to love someone. Because you know what, God has unique gifts for all of us and if we know that, and rest in that.....we won't have time for suspicions, assumptions, or jealousy.

Beach Bliss

After two weekends away in a row, I guess you could say my summer vacation has begun! I had a terrible time focusing on work this morning while my mind kept drifting back to the sun, sand, and friends.

This past weekend was our 8th annual Memorial Day trip to Hutchinson Island. I can't tell you how much this group of friends means to me. Although we live miles apart and may only see each other a few times a year, we always pick up where we left off! It is like one big family. I laughed more than I have in a long time, and I needed it.

The older that I get, the more I realize and cherish the true friendships in my life. I am so grateful for friends that are there for me no matter the distance. I love that they are honest with me, communicate with me, and call me out when I need it. I love that we can laugh together, cry together, and support each other. I am truly blessed.

Best of all, was time away with my husband who hasn't had a day off since he started his new job! I think I had a little post-getaway depression when he wasn't here to wake up with me this morning. The adjustment of his new job has still been really stressful for us. Especially him. But we are thankful in the midst of the craziness because God provided for us, and protected us. The gift list goes on.......

1000 Gifts
237. Balconies filled with friends
238. Rivers
239. Watermelon
240. BBQ on the beach
241. Grilled corn on the cob
242. Tents in the sand
243. Beach chairs and coozies
244. The smell of salt water in the air
245. Freedom
246. Soldiers
247. A cool dip in the pool
248. Boom boxes and dance parties
249. Human pyramids
250. Long rides and good talks
251. Craziness