This morning I have no picture for you, only words. This week I received a call telling me that my childhood best friend's father had passed away from pancreatic cancer. Tears filled my eyes and I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I haven't seen or spoken to my best friend, "M" in about 13 years. I did something to hurt her, out of pure selfishness and acting out in my younger years. I know she has forgiven me, but she chose not to have a relationship with me, and honestly-I don't blame her.
Last night I walked in to the visitation and saw her family, whom I have only seen on a few occaisions since 1998. This was my second family from the time I was 5 years old until high school graduation. Every holiday, every sleep over, every dance recital, every football game. I thought I may hyperventilate. When it was my turn to hug everyone it was like this huge emotional release, and then I turned to M, not knowing if she even wanted me there. The first thing she did was reach out to hug me. I know it may not have meant much to her, sharing that hug...but for me, it was healing that I needed so badly. When I left I sobbed, and I mean sobbed all the way home, remembering our friendship and seeing her father there.
Even though I can't re-write the past, I have learned from my mistakes and God has allowed me to feel the same pain that I caused her, to help me grow, and to teach me that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and I know better than anyone that hurt people, hurt people. I write all of this because I am not perfect, and I am very ashamed of mistakes from my past....but I am proud of how far God has brought me.