I am moving. I am now the proud owner of www.cathykhayes.com. So head on over and continue to follow my story there.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Every day, fighting breast cancer becomes a little less scary. I have already made it through my first chemo topped with a dose of Strep Throat and I am still going. The only other side effect that I am experiencing right now is dry cracked lips. I could barely open my mouth to eat this morning without pain. After calling my oncologist this afternoon, her solution was Lansinoh, something I used for dry cracked nipples while nursing my babies! So weird, but she was right and it's working. I am so thankful to feel good other than this small annoyance. I am not even scared of loosing my hair anymore. I have the date set for my buzz cut, as my hair will begin to fall out after my next treatment on December 3rd. I am sure it will be emotional, but I am not afraid.
There is always something to be grateful for.
I was able to be loved on again this past weekend, to spend time with my (SOFLO) south florida girlfriends. Of course I always want to get away, but I didn't realize how much I needed it until I got there. I laughed, I cried and I danced...and it felt good. I shared my heart and that felt good too. Many times my eyes aren't open to my own behaviors and habits until I hear them back from my friends. The friends that love me the most. This weekend I told them about my fears of going through chemo without my spouse by my side. I cry when I see a husband holding his wife's hand in the waiting room, I tear up in the valet when I watch a husband open the door and buckle his wife in the car safely. I told my friends I wasn't looking forward to the holidays because everything will be so different this year. My ideals are wrecked and everything that I have had in the past is gone. I have to accept a new normal, and find joy in that all while fighting breast cancer at the same time.
Something else I am learning:
Don't ever assume that what you feel in your heart is the same as what someone else feels for you.
I would be a fool to think that there won't be more pain coming, but I refuse to let it steal my joy one more minute. I'll give my heart, but I'll give it to friends and family that will protect it. I will accept that the holidays will be different this year and enjoy every minute that I have with my children, friends and family. I will release my ideals and pray that God will replace them one day with something so much more than I can even imagine. It really is the only way, He's been here through it all of it. Take a minute to watch and listen:
Monday, November 09, 2015
153...the number of cards I have received since my breast cancer diagnosis. When I see these cards they remind me of the unconditional love that is surrounding me and supporting me. Even when I feel so alone that I can barely breathe. This has been such a painful rollercoaster ride. Waiting on a plan and having the plan change multiple times. I am emotional and irrational 98% of the time, but I am amazed that I'm not in a psychiatric ward after everything I have been through over the past six months.
I have a confirmed plan now. This Thursday I will start chemotherapy to attack my HER2 positive breast cancer and make sure that there is not one cell left in my body. Four rounds of a triple whammy consisting of Taxol, Carboplatin, and the targeted drug Herceptin. My infusions will be every 3 weeks. I'll be done with the chemo by January and then I will finish out the year with Herceptin infusions every three weeks. It'll be no picnic. I am still terrified no matter how many people tell me I can do it. I don't want to, but who does? So many amazing women have gone through this before me, how can I stop fighting now?
I lived in a tad bit of denial this weekend. I went to New York, to pretend like I didn't have cancer. It was fun, but on the drive back home from the airport I lost it. It felt good to escape and feel normal and not sick, but coming back to reality felt empty and scary. After surgery, I kept praying the plan would change again and I wouldn't need poison pumped through my body. That didn't happen, so I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to have fun...and I did, but reality was still waiting on me when I unlocked my car to drive home. It didn't make the cancer go away, and it didn't cure my loneliness.
I was able to regroup early this morning. I prayed instead of denying my situation. I asked God to show me how to handle the cancer with grace—and to use him instead of running toward distractions. After all, I am learning that the distractions aren't there for me when I feel low afterward. Reality will always return, and I have to accept that this is my life right now. I have to learn to lean on those that I know really care about me and what's best for me. Those who love me to the fullest no matter what I am capable of giving them in return during this season.
When I was praying on the way home, this song came on. It spoke to me and I wept. He his my revival, not distractions or denial. XO, Cathy