Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Some old fear and anxiety started creeping yesterday. Parenting can be so scary.
These pictures were taken when my now 5 year old Kennedy was 7 months old. She had just survived her first major accident. Yesterday, I was taken back to that day.....and I felt the same fear all over again. I have struggled with this since the accident, and shivers go down my spine every time I replay it in my head. I blame myself, and think of how much worse it could have been.
It was March 12, 2008. She had a cold, and we were at the pediatrician's office. I changed her diaper on the exam table, and took my hand off of her to throw away the diaper. In an instant, she kicked her leg, flipped over, and fell from the table. I can still see it happening. I couldn't catch her. Up to that very moment, she hadn't even attempted to roll over. She landed flat on her back, and I was terrified. Without thinking, I scooped her up in a state of panic and screamed for the Dr. She cried right away and the Dr. came in to take a look. She instantly called an ambulance, spinning me further into panic mode. I knew an ambulance meant serious, and I was terrified.
After a cat scan and a sleepless night at the hospital, she was sent home with two skull fractures that would eventually heal on their own. Praise God. I remember crying to my mom while waiting on the results of the scan. I feared bleeding, swelling, loosing my child. I have watched friends go through the loss of a child, and had experienced three miscarriages before having this child myself. Loss is painful. I will never forget my mom asking me, "Cathy, where is your faith?" In that moment, I chose to panic, instead of trusting a God that loves her more than I could ever imagine loving her. God protected her and healed her, and for that I am forever grateful.
For months, every bang, every fall, every loud sound.....I panicked. And as I said, I still struggle with it on occasion. I have to remind myself that God is in control, I am not. I can't protect them like He can. I think mostly, I struggle with it being my fault. I think about what could have happened, and how I could have prevented the entire accident. I have to say out loud, stop the thought!!!
There is a red sign now in all of the exam rooms that reads, "Do not leave children unattended on table." Every time I take the kids to the doctor, a reminder. Yesterday, while visiting with the same Dr. that was with me that day, the story was brought up....of coarse. The nurses chimed in on how they would never forget. I began to panic again, and even had a bad dream. Today I came across Lamentations 3:57, "You came near with I called you and you said, do not fear." This was the perfect reminder that my God is bigger than my fears, and all I have to do is call when this anxiety starts to creep.
I felt led to share this story for some reason, as scary and as painful as it is for me. I think typing it out helps, and reminds me to put my faith in God, and fear not! No matter what, He is in control and only through Him, will I survive my role as mother.