I'm Moving

Hi Friends!
I am moving. I am now the proud owner of www.cathykhayes.com. So head on over and continue to follow my story there.

XO,
C

Through All Of It

Every day, fighting breast cancer becomes a little less scary. I have already made it through my first chemo topped with a dose of Strep Throat and I am still going. The only other side effect that I am experiencing right now is dry cracked lips. I could barely open my mouth to eat this morning without pain. After calling my oncologist this afternoon, her solution was Lansinoh, something I used for dry cracked nipples while nursing my babies! So weird, but she was right and it's working. I am so thankful to feel good other than this small annoyance. I am not even scared of loosing my hair anymore. I have the date set for my buzz cut, as my hair will begin to fall out after my next treatment on December 3rd. I am sure it will be emotional, but I am not afraid.

 There is always something to be grateful for. 

I was able to be loved on again this past weekend, to spend time with my (SOFLO) south florida girlfriends. Of course I always want to get away, but I didn't realize how much I needed it until I got there. I laughed, I cried and I danced...and it felt good. I shared my heart and that felt good too. Many times my eyes aren't open to my own behaviors and habits until I hear them back from my friends. The friends that love me the most. This weekend I told them about my fears of going through chemo without my spouse by my side. I cry when I see a husband holding his wife's hand in the waiting room, I tear up in the valet when I watch a husband open the door and buckle his wife in the car safely. I told my friends I wasn't looking forward to the holidays because everything will be so different this year. My ideals are wrecked and everything that I have had in the past is gone. I have to accept a new normal, and find joy in that all while fighting breast cancer at the same time.

Something else I am learning:
Don't ever assume that what you feel in your heart is the same as what someone else feels for you.

I talked about how I wish I could be harder, less giving of my heart and less needy of a partner and emotional support. They reminded me that I can be needy right now, but I need to depend on the right people. God first and safe people like my family and friends who want to help. They also told me not to change, to keep my heart soft and open to loving and giving to others...BUT to put up some DARN boundaries and stop letting people take advantage of me! I made a small step toward that on Sunday and it felt good, letting go of something that I really never had in the first place.

I would be a fool to think that there won't be more pain coming, but I refuse to let it steal my joy one more minute. I'll give my heart, but I'll give it to friends and family that will protect it. I will accept that the holidays will be different this year and enjoy every minute that I have with my children, friends and family. I will release my ideals and pray that God will replace them one day with something so much more than I can even imagine. It really is the only way, He's been here through it all of it. Take a minute to watch and listen:

153

153...the number of cards I have received since my breast cancer diagnosis. When I see these cards they remind me of the unconditional love that is surrounding me and supporting me. Even when I feel so alone that I can barely breathe. This has been such a painful rollercoaster ride. Waiting on a plan and having the plan change multiple times. I am emotional and irrational 98% of the time, but I am amazed that I'm not in a psychiatric ward after everything I have been through over the past six months.

I have a confirmed plan now. This Thursday I will start chemotherapy to attack my HER2 positive breast cancer and make sure that there is not one cell left in my body. Four rounds of a triple whammy consisting of Taxol, Carboplatin, and the targeted drug Herceptin. My infusions will be every 3 weeks. I'll be done with the chemo by January and then I will finish out the year with Herceptin infusions every three weeks. It'll be no picnic. I am still terrified no matter how many people tell me I can do it. I don't want to, but who does? So many amazing women have gone through this before me, how can I stop fighting now?

I lived in a tad bit of denial this weekend. I went to New York, to pretend like I didn't have cancer. It was fun, but on the drive back home from the airport I lost it. It felt good to escape and feel normal and not sick, but coming back to reality felt empty and scary. After surgery, I kept praying the plan would change again and I wouldn't need poison pumped through my body. That didn't happen, so I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to have fun...and I did, but reality was still waiting on me when I unlocked my car to drive home. It didn't make the cancer go away, and it didn't cure my loneliness.

I was able to regroup early this morning. I prayed instead of denying my situation. I asked God to show me how to handle the cancer with grace—and to use him instead of running toward distractions. After all, I am learning that the distractions aren't there for me when I feel low afterward. Reality will always return, and I have to accept that this is my life right now. I have to learn to lean on those that I know really care about me and what's best for me. Those who love me to the fullest no matter what I am capable of giving them in return during this season.

When I was praying on the way home, this song came on. It spoke to me and I wept. He his my revival, not distractions or denial. XO, Cathy

The Waiting Game

After waiting over a week...I face another big day tomorrow. I meet with my surgeon to go over my final pathology report from the bilateral mastectomy I had on October 16. I am scared, but I am ready to know what is coming next. Since my lymph nodes were clear and the aggressive cancer was so small...there is a chance that if all other tumors come back non-invasive I won't need chemotherapy after all. This ride has been such a rollercoaster, I have learned I have to just go with it. I can't help but get my hopes up! There are SO many people praying for me and things have continued to turn around for me in an instant during this journey. I was originally going to start chemo first, and now they tell me there is a chance I won't need it at all! What a blessing to have found my incredible doctors at Moffitt Cancer Center. I have no doubt that God has directed every step of the way, no matter how painful it has been.

I am so thankful for my fight club. There are a million cards all over my house. Beautiful flowers, meals delivered, sweet messages and gifts are arriving on a daily basis. My girls have participated in breast cancer walks for me...and they even ran a half marathon in my honor this past weekend! I am overwhelmed. My emotions have been crazy, and as alone as I feel at times, I couldn't feel more loved. I am so grateful my best friend will be with me tomorrow to hold my hand and to cry with me no matter the outcome. Even if it is chemo, I will do it...I will keep fighting. Thank you for your love, and for your prayers!

XO,
Cathy

A Blog About a Blog

I'll never forget meeting my friend Rachel. Quiet and so humble, with the sweetest spirit. We don't talk every day, months may go by...but one thing has always remained the same, our friendship. She has been there for me during happy times, during painful times when all I needed was someone to listen to me cry, or read a text that was WAY too long. She has sent me scripture, prayed over me and never once judged me for doing what I thought was right for my family and myself.

She walked through my miscarriages with me and witnessed my struggle to get pregnant before God blessed me with Kennedy. Then...she was there to capture precious photos of my miracle pregnancy and then Kennedy's newborn photos. She was there to do it all again when we were delightfully surprised with Kade!

So today I am blogging about my amazing friend Rachel and her blog about my family and my journey. I am so thankful for you Rachel and your amazing talent. But most of all, I am thankful to call you my forever friend.

XO,
Cathy

Click here for more: Rachel's Blog

Black and White

"Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also make music." -Unknown

Over the past five months I have accepted that life is not black and white. I have learned that there can be so much beauty in the gray areas. To be honest, I don't like "maybes", "if thens", or "either ors." I get so frustrated when faced with "sometimes this" and "sometimes that." Lately I have shed many tears over the "I don't knows." To many (myself included) black and white means that there is just one rule. There is a schedule with an exact time, and it's always the same. The rules apply to everyone and there are no exceptions. Black and white means things are predictable. Black and white means things seem fair and are clear. 

Nothing has felt fair or clear to me lately. My breast cancer diagnosis, the trials in my life and a fight for love that will end with a win that will reveal itself in a completely different way than I anticipated. But one thing has remained true, God's love. I can't even explain it properly, the outpouring of unconditional love that I am feeling for the first time in my life. From family, friends, complete strangers and from people I never imagined would care about me, or take time to join my fight.

Gray areas mean that the rule is sometimes one thing, and sometimes another thing. I am alright with that now. Again, I can't explain it...but it's true to me now. I know that this is happening to me for a reason. I am learning lessons that will make me a complete bad ass...whoops, sorry mom! But I want you all to know, anyone that is reading this—whatever it is that you are facing, embrace it. Look for the good in each day and you will find it, I promise. Go gray.

A Litte Too Much

I had my second biopsy yesterday. The more procedures and tests, the more real this is becoming. It's weird to hope for more cancer, but I need this original tumor to be a certain size to qualify for the targeted drug that I need. God's got this. I know it.

Every time it gets to be too much, something incredible happens. This past weekend my girlfriends took me away for a celebration before the weeks of hell that is chemo begin. I met new friends, some that have brought more smiles to my face than I have smiled in a long time. I felt so very loved. Phillip at the Grand Bohemian Hotel in Orlando sent me home with a card signed by the entire hotel staff. It brought me to tears. The staff at the spa hugged me and gave me the most special treatment. My girls decorated our suite and planned everything for me. We spent time with a precious childhood friend of mine who lives in Winter Park. The weekend was perfect.

Every day, there is at least one card in my mailbox and a handful of random texts come through supporting me. You all are keeping me going. The support has been tremendous, during a time when sometimes I get lost in loneliness and fear.

This song A Little Too Much by Shawn Mendez says it all! Thank you to those who have taken my hand in this journey. XO

The Hair Scare

Introducing: My very own cancer fighting logo, by the amazing creative genius: Allen Reed

The hair I have been growing out for the past three years will be soon be gone. I am terrified. I run my hands through it a million times a day, thinking about how it never really mattered to me like it does now. I have had a pixie cut before and it didn't bother me, but loosing my hair when it's not my choice is another story. It's not just about loosing the hair, I am terrified of the entire process. My sweet Kade (6) is worried about it, "Mommy, you'll wear a wig right? I only want you to take it off when you are in the shower." My heart sinks...I don't want to scare him, I'm sure once he realizes I am his same mommy, he will be just fine. 

Loosing my hair should really be the least of my worries, I know. But in the spirit of transparency, it is very scary to me. It is the first step. It will make the fact that I have breast cancer and will be undergoing chemo very real. Every time I see myself in my baldness, I will be reminded that this is all really happening, and I am in the fight of my life. My combat: I am researching wigs, learning how to tie head scarves, and hoping to do chemotherapy in style. This is possible right? Unrealistic expectations are my specialty...so remind me of this when I decide to say screw the cute wig and scarf, give me a baseball cap. ;) 

This next update is important! Please don't stop reading, I promise this post isn't just me whining about loosing my hair. 

During my MRI, the original lump that I felt lit up. Unfortunately I am one of the 20% who has a breast cancer that is not detectable by mammogram or ultrasound. I originally felt it and had my first mammogram and ultrasound last year in April. They told me they saw no abnormalities and sent me on my way. Well this tumor doesn't feel like or look like the average breast cancer. I thank God every day that it grew the two masses that were detectable this August. I am glad I told my doctor I STILL felt the original mass in August. If not, instead of getting this diagnosis on August 25th, they would have sent me away with a very aggressive cancer, telling me there was nothing abnormal on my scans.

I tell you this because you know your body, if you feel something and don't know what it is...insist that they find out. Don't take "we saw nothing abnormal" as an answer. Don't back down. We have to be our own health care advocates. It's so important, because sometimes "protocol" is just WRONG. It just is. 

So up next for me will look something like this:

Beginning in October, I will have a total of 6 rounds of a chemo cocktail containing two targeted drugs for my type of cancer and two types of chemo. I am very thankful that I have a cancer that has targeted drugs for treatment. Others are not so fortunate. After chemo I will have surgery and then I will finish out the rest of the year with Herceptin IV infusions every three weeks. It's going to be a long and difficult road, but everyone is telling me I can do it...and I am beginning to believe them. I have to. I have so much to fight for. 

Most are asking what they can do for me. I do have a request. Please pray specifically that my side effects from the chemo are minimal. That is my biggest fear. Thank you to everyone who has sent cards, made me dinner, brought flowers, gift cards, notes and messages of encouragement. You are keeping me going! XO

Expectations, Survival and Grace

Expectation- Often, expectations, a prospect of future good profit: to have great expectations. 

False expectations have left me feeling devastated. I have learned over the past 15 years and most recently over the past four months...that just because I am willing to repeatedly sacrifice for someone that I love, I shouldn't expect that person will sacrifice the same for me in return. They just may not be capable of doing so, even if they've tried over and over and wish they could. Learning that it's time to let go doesn't make the heartbreak any easier to bear. Why God? Expectation failed. I ran the New York City Marathon last year in November, and another half marathon just a few months ago. I am a triathlete, I love yoga. I juice, exercise regularly and take my vitamins. I expected to be the picture of health. On Tuesday I was diagnosed with breast cancer, small but aggressive they tell me...and no history of breast cancer in my family. Why God? Expectation failed.

Survival-The act or fact of surviving, especially under adverse or unusual circumstances. A person or thing that survives or endures.

Facing life again as a single mom very recently was a painful and sudden shock. But I realized quickly that I wasn't alone. Angels were all around me in the form of friends and family that love my children and I unconditionally. Friends invited me to their beach homes and on trips. I have never felt so alone yet so loved at the same time. Even in starting a new job, God placed me exactly where I needed to be. I am surrounded by the most incredible, understanding and encouraging work family a girl could ask for. Thank you God! Survival! For those of you who have asked me how I do everything I do, I won't be doing everything anymore. I will have a new normal. I don't know how I will fight this cancer or what it's going to look like in detail yet, but I know I will survive. I know this because the minute I told my friends and family about my diagnosis they showed up at my house when I arrived home from work with food for my children and I. They brought cards, flowers, gifts and of course wine. :) They took care of my children, folded my laundry and took out my garbage when all I could do was cry...and worry about how I was going to tackle another obstacle on top of what I was already going through. They cried with me. I am not alone, I am surrounded by angels yet again. God is loving me through this amazing community of people. Thank you God! Survival! 


Grace-The influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

I believe in the power of God's grace. I believe He will hold me tight through what has been most horrendous year of my life so far. He will do that with his power and through my friends and family. I may ask why a thousand times, but I will not stop praising him and acknowledging that he is still good. God...your grace is enough. I may get mad, yell a few curse words and not want to get out of bed some days, but God...your grace is enough. I may be going through hell on earth right now, but He has given me so much. I have four beautiful children, an amazing family, church, incredible friends and all of my needs are being met beyond my expectations. God...your grace is enough.


I am not sure how much of my journey I will share, or will feel like sharing as I move forward but the point of this post is to tell the truth so that my friends, family and accuaintances can hear this from me and not through the rumor mill. On the days that I want to scream, cry and not go on...I will play this song which has been on repeat. Even when it hurts, I am loved. Thank you for letting me share.

My Famous Potato Fries

I love french fries. As a matter of fact, I will go to a restaurant just to eat their fries. I make these at home quite a bit, and my kids love them. Tonight they are going alongside grilled pork chops. Here is my super easy recipe:

Potatoes (Cut in half and sliced thin)
Olive oil or melted coconut oil
Sea salt
Pepper
Paprika
Fresh garlic (I grind mine on a microplane)
*Fancy optional ingredient: Black truffle oil

Place sliced potatoes in a bowl. Coat with a good amount of oil, I have no exact measurement. Sprinkle on sea salt, pepper, paprika and fresh garlic to your liking and toss. Spray a pan with cooking spray and arrange potato slices as evenly as possible. Roast in the oven at 375 degrees for about 35-45 minutes depending on how crispy you like them, we love them super crispy. If you really want a special treat, drizzle a little black truffle oil over them and toss before you serve. Enjoy!

The BEST Brownies

Say hello to the best brownies you will ever taste. This mix can also be made and given as a gift in a jar tied with a cute tag. Just add the wet ingredients, bake, and enjoy. Here is the recipe, you can thank me later. :)

Ingredients:
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 cups white sugar

Wet ingredients:
1 cup melted butter or margarine
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla

1. Mix dry ingredients together and place in a jar or container to give as a gift with a cute tag listing the baking instructions. OR, add wet ingredients and mix until well combined. Grease a 9x13 pan. Spread batter evenly and bake at 350 for 22-25 minutes or until done.

**Gluten Free** Use your favorite gluten free flour mix (I like coconut flour) in place of the all purpose flour and add 1 tsp xanthum gum. **Dairy Free** Use dairy free margarine or coconut oil.

DAILYLOOK, Little Black Dress

Little Black Dress
with
DAILYLOOK, Miss Stone, Dolce Vita

I was inspired by DAILYLOOK to style a little black dress for the perfect date night look. The little black dress is an important staple in my closet, and one that can be dressed up or dressed down. I chose to go elegant with this look, and in my opinion...it wouldn't be complete without a matte red lip. Dressed down, I would pair it with booties and a denim jacket. Take a minute and visit the links above to browse through a number of LBDs on DAILYLOOK's site. The hardest part will be choosing one. What's your favorite way to wear a LBD?

Rejoice, I Remembered my Login Information!!

I finally took some photos, downloaded and edited them, went to the login page for my blog.......and drew a complete blank. I guess it's been a while. It took a minute, but it came back to me.

One of my resolutions for 2015 was to start blogging again. Maybe not every day or even once a week, but more often. After all, we should make time for doing things we love, and this little blog has brought much happiness to my life. I have met friends, talked out my feelings on its pages, shared my life...and even my struggles with you all. It really is therapeutic, and fun. 

I love sharing outfit ideas, and ways that I am utilizing things that may or may not have been in my closet for 10 years or more. ;) Exhibit A: This outfit.....old. So I threw on some new red pumps and red lips to add a pop of color. Oh, and the red pumps are on clearance right now for $23.00 at Nordstrom Rack. The red lips are my new favorite matte red, Eden by NYX. You can find it at Ulta. I really do hope to be connecting with you more often, here's to a great 2015!