153...the number of cards I have received since my breast cancer diagnosis. When I see these cards they remind me of the unconditional love that is surrounding me and supporting me. Even when I feel so alone that I can barely breathe. This has been such a painful rollercoaster ride. Waiting on a plan and having the plan change multiple times. I am emotional and irrational 98% of the time, but I am amazed that I'm not in a psychiatric ward after everything I have been through over the past six months.
I have a confirmed plan now. This Thursday I will start chemotherapy to attack my HER2 positive breast cancer and make sure that there is not one cell left in my body. Four rounds of a triple whammy consisting of Taxol, Carboplatin, and the targeted drug Herceptin. My infusions will be every 3 weeks. I'll be done with the chemo by January and then I will finish out the year with Herceptin infusions every three weeks. It'll be no picnic. I am still terrified no matter how many people tell me I can do it. I don't want to, but who does? So many amazing women have gone through this before me, how can I stop fighting now?
I lived in a tad bit of denial this weekend. I went to New York, to pretend like I didn't have cancer. It was fun, but on the drive back home from the airport I lost it. It felt good to escape and feel normal and not sick, but coming back to reality felt empty and scary. After surgery, I kept praying the plan would change again and I wouldn't need poison pumped through my body. That didn't happen, so I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to have fun...and I did, but reality was still waiting on me when I unlocked my car to drive home. It didn't make the cancer go away, and it didn't cure my loneliness.
I was able to regroup early this morning. I prayed instead of denying my situation. I asked God to show me how to handle the cancer with grace—and to use him instead of running toward distractions. After all, I am learning that the distractions aren't there for me when I feel low afterward. Reality will always return, and I have to accept that this is my life right now. I have to learn to lean on those that I know really care about me and what's best for me. Those who love me to the fullest no matter what I am capable of giving them in return during this season.
When I was praying on the way home, this song came on. It spoke to me and I wept. He his my revival, not distractions or denial. XO, Cathy