Thursday, October 31, 2013

31 Shades of Gray

For 31 days I have worn this dress 31 ways, hence the blog post title. Today I chose to become Anna Wintour, Editor-in-chief of U.S. Vogue. Happy Halloween!

This month has been a challenging one, and not because I was stuck in one dress. As my regular readers know, my husband has been out of a job for the second time this year, for the past 7 weeks. This has been a brand new and shocking challenge to us. Looking back, I am glad that I had this project to distract me from the stresses of bill paying, living off of our savings account, and not knowing what is coming next. 

Today started off a little rocky, but a stream of events happened that rocked my world. Throughout this crazy scary time, I have been very focused on what I should do to "fix"things since my husband was out of work. I interviewed for two jobs thinking that if he didn't have one, I should- as my business only brings in a small supplemental income. As of now, neither opportunity has panned out for reasons other than my skill set or talents. But, I felt rejection. 

In my mind: I couldn't help, I wasn't good enough, I have been out of the "corporate world" too long, etc. 

A very dear friend sent a devotion to me this morning that had me in tears, literally weeping. It talked about how we manipulate situations. We may know how to sell and idea, go the extra mile, and strategize to make our plan seem wonderful. These things aren't bad, but what if we use these skills and talents outside of God's will? To push past God's timing, God's direction, and God's plan to teach us things in the process? 

The author of the devotion, Lysa TerKeurst wrote: "Now, I can rest in the assurance that if something is to be, it isn't up to me. It's up to God. It's not that I just sit back and don't pursue things. I do. But I give what I can give without manipulation. And then wait for God to give what only He can give. So, if He makes it happen without all of my chaotic self-effort, then I will know it is His best. And if it doesn't happen, I will thank Him for saving me from myself."

Well, He saved me from myself this morning. After waking up totally defeated, I prayed the prayer again. God, what do I do while I am waiting, what is my purpose? 

Later this morning I went my son's Halloween party at preschool. I was crafting with the kids and a sweet little boy looked up at me with sad eyes and said, "My mom isn't here today." I responded, "Buddy I know she wants to be here, maybe she had to work." He said, "Yes, my mom is always working." Already emotional, my eyes filled with tears. Right then I had my answer from God. He wants me to be available to my kids during this season and trust HIM to provide the perfect job for my husband.  

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE don't take me wrong. I know that many moms need to work and would LOVE to be at a school party in the middle of the day, or spend the summers off with their kids. I don't even begin enter the debate of stay at home mom verses working mom. I support both and I believe everyone makes the choice that is the absolute best for their families. This was just the message that I felt I was being sent, for my situation specifically. I felt relief, I felt peace. And you know what, my husband got a call today too, and a door is opening. I couldn't feel more certain of who God is, and I assure you if you are waiting on something, hang in there. If you look to Him, He will save you from yourself.

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