Friday, August 28, 2015

Expectations, Survival and Grace

Expectation- Often, expectations, a prospect of future good profit: to have great expectations. 

False expectations have left me feeling devastated. I have learned over the past 15 years and most recently over the past four months...that just because I am willing to repeatedly sacrifice for someone that I love, I shouldn't expect that person will sacrifice the same for me in return. They just may not be capable of doing so, even if they've tried over and over and wish they could. Learning that it's time to let go doesn't make the heartbreak any easier to bear. Why God? Expectation failed. I ran the New York City Marathon last year in November, and another half marathon just a few months ago. I am a triathlete, I love yoga. I juice, exercise regularly and take my vitamins. I expected to be the picture of health. On Tuesday I was diagnosed with breast cancer, small but aggressive they tell me...and no history of breast cancer in my family. Why God? Expectation failed.

Survival-The act or fact of surviving, especially under adverse or unusual circumstances. A person or thing that survives or endures.

Facing life again as a single mom very recently was a painful and sudden shock. But I realized quickly that I wasn't alone. Angels were all around me in the form of friends and family that love my children and I unconditionally. Friends invited me to their beach homes and on trips. I have never felt so alone yet so loved at the same time. Even in starting a new job, God placed me exactly where I needed to be. I am surrounded by the most incredible, understanding and encouraging work family a girl could ask for. Thank you God! Survival! For those of you who have asked me how I do everything I do, I won't be doing everything anymore. I will have a new normal. I don't know how I will fight this cancer or what it's going to look like in detail yet, but I know I will survive. I know this because the minute I told my friends and family about my diagnosis they showed up at my house when I arrived home from work with food for my children and I. They brought cards, flowers, gifts and of course wine. :) They took care of my children, folded my laundry and took out my garbage when all I could do was cry...and worry about how I was going to tackle another obstacle on top of what I was already going through. They cried with me. I am not alone, I am surrounded by angels yet again. God is loving me through this amazing community of people. Thank you God! Survival! 

Grace-The influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

I believe in the power of God's grace. I believe He will hold me tight through what has been most horrendous year of my life so far. He will do that with his power and through my friends and family. I may ask why a thousand times, but I will not stop praising him and acknowledging that he is still good. God...your grace is enough. I may get mad, yell a few curse words and not want to get out of bed some days, but God...your grace is enough. I may be going through hell on earth right now, but He has given me so much. I have four beautiful children, an amazing family, church, incredible friends and all of my needs are being met beyond my expectations. God...your grace is enough.

I am not sure how much of my journey I will share, or will feel like sharing as I move forward but the point of this post is to tell the truth so that my friends, family and accuaintances can hear this from me and not through the rumor mill. On the days that I want to scream, cry and not go on...I will play this song which has been on repeat. Even when it hurts, I am loved. Thank you for letting me share.